Saturday, December 31, 2011

Giving it to You, God...

Well, I usually don’t talk about this topic much (if at all) on my blog.  Mostly the reason being, I don’t know who all actually reads this, and we’ve been trying to keep the subject on the “down-low”.  Mainly because there are a lot of family/friends that don’t know- because we wanted to make it a big surprise when it happened- not because we were trying to keep something from them.  But now I’m going to talk about it because I feel like I need to put it out there, if nothing else to keep me accountable.

So, some of you might know that Brew & I have been trying to have a baby.  We’ve actually been trying for some time now.  I went off the pill almost a year ago now (mid-January) and after a two-month break to get my body back to “normal” after being on the pill, come mid-late March we were ready to start trying to get pregnant.  I always thought it would be a simple process.  Easy, even.  I knew of TONS of people who got pregnant right away after going off birth control, and still others who had even gotten pregnant while USING birth control.  So at first we had a pretty relaxed approach.  We said we wouldn’t prevent but just let it happen.  

After a couple months though, nothing did happen.  So, I thought, maybe our timing is way off, or maybe I’m not ovulating, or…. So I did my research and learned allll sorts of things about fertility, charting, ovulation, and my cycles.  Things I didn’t know before.  The following two months I took my basal body temperature, peed on ovulation tests, studied my cervical mucus (that’s an attractive thought-I know), and was able to pinpoint my ovulation day.  Because of this we also tried timing sex so that we coincided with my ovulation.  And guess what?  Those two months went by and I still was faced with negative pregnancy tests and the oh so joyous arrival of my period- right on time.

Frustrated already, the fourth month of trying, I took a break.  I said I was leaving it up to God but really I wasn’t.  I wasn’t taking my temperature or ovulation tests, but I was STILL trying to time things.  Lo and behold though, we DID conceive that cycle.  Unfortunately, our excitement was cut short.  As the day AFTER I got the positive pregnancy test—I miscarried at exactly 4 weeks and 1 day.  (It’s referred to as a chemical pregnancy.)  I didn’t get the chance to even tell our families.

So the next 5 months after that I started “trying” again.  I didn’t always take my temperature every cycle but I still took ovulation tests and tried to time things.  In fact, our timing was perfect!  Which is probably why it made it even MORE frustrating and upsetting when, again, I was faced with that one measly line on a pregnancy test and/or the right on schedule arrival of my period.  The past 3-4 months when that day came I just cried.  What am I doing wrong????  I kept asking.

Then this last time (as in, yesterday when I started what will be our 10th cycle of actively trying to conceive) I reached my breaking point.  I can’t do it anymore.  I can’t deal with the frustration and complete and total disappointment every.single.month.  Not anymore.  I’m done.

And I think that God actually led me to this point.  After praying about it and talking to Brew and my cousin Stefani, I think I am finally ready to relinquish control and hand it to God.  For real this time.  No more trying to time things, no more ovulation tests, or anything like that. 

That is easier said than done though, especially for me.  I am kind of a control-freak when it comes to that sort of thing.  I’m a planner.  To the max.  I like to know what’s coming, and figure out when I think it needs to happen- then doing it.  But I know that MY timing isn’t always the best timing, and what I think is best, isn’t necessarily what is really best. 
And besides, I’ve tried it my way for 9 months—and it’s not worked.  So I’m giving it to You, God.  I’m letting You decide when to bless us with a child.  We aren’t going to prevent anything, and we also aren’t going to try to “time” things.  When You see fit to give us a baby, that’s when I want to get pregnant.  I’m trying my very best to trust You, and I know that You know the desires of my heart.  I know that You have plans for me.   I am done trying to time things and plan it out myself.  I’m ready to receive Your blessings when You give them to me!

And that being said, I need all the help I can get!  Like I said this is my toughest area when it comes to faith, and so I need lots of prayers!  Prayers that I can give it to God 100% and not obsess over it like I have been.  And of course prayers that He chooses to give us a baby soon too can’t hurt. ;)

Here are some scripture verses I am/will be leaning heavily on…
Psalm 37:3-7 “Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.  Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.  Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun.  Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when people succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.”
 Matthew 6:33-34 “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;  in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
Romans 8:28 “For we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose.”

Now, we are planning on speaking to my doctor about it, if we get to March (1 year mark) and still haven't gotten pregnant.  Mostly to look into it and rule out any medical/fertility issues that might be there.  I don't necessarily think there are any, but I do want to look into it further then.  (As a side note- I don't think that if you are diagnosed with a form of infertility that God is testing your faith or that you need to trust God and NOT take fertility drugs and such.  I could go on about it, and maybe I will in the future, but the readers' digest version is that I think the reason such conditions exist is because we live in a sinful, imperfect world, and I believe that in these cases, God also uses modern medicine to create miracles.)

If you read this whole thing, you deserve a cookie ;)  I know it was long, but whether anyone read it or not I felt like I needed to say it!  Feel free to leave me any of your own thoughts as comments.


1 comment:

Stefani said...

Amen sister! <3 Matthew 6:33 You can bet I will be praying for you. Love you!